Monday, September 7, 2009

Between a Rock and a Fat Place

Do you ever feel stuck? Of course you do, we all do. And this week, I am stuck. I just can't make up my mind between doing what I feel compelled to do but feeling like a hypocrite as a result and doing what I probably should do and feeling miserable as a result. Well, short-term miserable. Maybe. I don't know. This is driving me crazy!!

Let me back up. In the past, when I was younger and more idealistic, like six months ago, I got on my "form follows function," soapbox and preached about the asthetics of your body not being as important as the function/ability/strength of your body. And I still believe that. I also said that I would grit my teeth and bear with not micro-managing every part of my physical self while I went on a strength-building campaign and focused on weights over cardio. Strength over skinny jeans. Chin-ups over cute. Promises like that are easy to make when you never expect to have to deliver.

But oh, man, I was wrong. I was soooo soooo soooo wrong.

Getting fat sucks, yall. Okay, stop rolling your eyes, I know I am not fat in the true sense of the word. But everyone has that zone where they are happy and comfortable and feel like themselves in their own skin, right? I'm about 50 miles from that. If I climb to the top of the Sears Tower and go out on that freaky new plexi-glass box that hangs out over the city and really squint, I might be able to see it waving at me from a happier place. My clothes are tight, I feel all flabby, and I am just generally uncomfortable in my skin. I am wearing my green pants today. My green pants! I only wear these pants because nothing else fits. Especially since I have to iron them. Every indicator in me is screaming for cardio so I can shed this weight and get back into my normal self.

But here's the thing - my body fat is down.

Huh? How does that happen? No clue. But regardless, I am stuck between building strength and size but getting bigger and meaner, or doing cardio and shedding water and being happy and nice, but not strong enough to do what I want to do.

I have finally become reluctant.

I know I am making this more difficult than it needs to be, and I need to take my wise mother's advice and just chill out, and I hope I can step out of my own head long enough to realize that this isn't exactly life and death. I think I'll mull it over on the treadmill. :)


PS - I did, and I have decided to refuse to choose. :)


Michael said...

Heather-I felt the same way when I got to my current weight and have not had much success in losing more weight-but my body fat continues to decline every month-so I guess I Am supposed to be happy.

Fran G. said...

You had to iron?!? So you have to decide between strong and skinny? (Actually you are not non-skinny; you are just less skinny than you feel you should be, right?). Could you slip in one or two cardio workouts a week and still maintain your strength workouts. I think the longer you deny yourself the cardio you crave, the more likely you are to go on a cardio binge--not a good thing.

The (not so) Reluctant Athlete said...

Relax, Fran, I didn't actually iron them. LOL Close call, but no. :) Well, the distinction between the cardio and weights was that I like to do a lottttt of cardio but I was using all of my calories for that and not leaving enough for my body to build any strength, so it was either do less cardio or eat more. I am not a good eater so I chose less cardio. But that proved to be the wrong choice! :)