Well, kids, write it in your diary: I was wrong.
I was dead wrong. I was so wrong that I couldn't believe I was wrong and had to have other people tell me I was wrong. But today, being wrong is the best feeling in the world. And, the most confusing.
After one month of stuffing my face, eating more than I thought I should, and feeling like I was ballooning to the point of thinking I needed to drag out my maternity clothes, I lost 3.7% of my body fat. Compared to a monthly average of 1.3% when I was writing the rules, that is pretty darn good.
I'll admit it, I thought I was right. In fact, I was so convinced of my rightness that I had already called in reinforcements in the form of my old trainer (also a nutritionist and fitness competitor) to help me design a new lower-calorie diet. Yesterday I stood in the kitchen of my office building and confidently bantered with a friend about how I was so glad that this was almost over and I could go back to "my way". I was fully prepared to enter today vindicated and full of attitude. Instead, I was schooled. As I stared at the printout from the body fat monitor in disbelief, my trainer gleefully made me say that he was "the man" in front of everyone. I concurred; he was indeed the man. Damn it.
So what does this mean? I guess on the surface it means I need to keep it up. Deeper down, it means that giving up control and trusting in someone else isn't always a bad idea. And at the core, it means that I might actually be able to pull this off.
I'm happy. I made up my loss and then some. I'm still not where I would have been had I not had a gain back in January, but I am better off than I would have been had I spent February and March playing by my rules. And, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and the hope of meeting my goal by summer. All of these things make me happy and energize me to work even harder in the coming months.
But I still have some hurdles to overcome. Will I ever be able to eat that much consistently and not feel like I am packing on the pounds? Even when I see the numbers for myself, I have a hard time believing it is true. It's apparent that, like so many other women, I still have some emotional battles to fight when it comes to creating a harmonious relationship between myself and food.
Today, however, I am not going to focus on that. I'm going to celebrate my hard work and persistence and give myself a pat on the back. And, head to the grocery store.
I'm going to need a lot more food.