Monday, March 10, 2008

Can I Please Stop Eating Now?

Well, I've got a week to go in this eat-more-to-lose-more challenge and so far I feel like I am on the fast-track to becoming a sumo wrestler. Sure, it was intriguing at first but after three weeks of more calories, I am begging for mercy. And it's not just emotional - I have gained weight, my clothes are tighter, and I feel run down and lethargic. Pretty much the opposite of what was supposed to happen. And pretty much exactly what I thought would happen.

"Don't do this. You're going to gain weight, be miserable, and regret it." Those were the words of my husband three weeks ago when I embarked on this little adventure. He's been there through all of my body obsessions - good and bad. He's driven me to metabolic testing at 5:00 am on a Saturday, put up with my crazy schemes and wacky food requirements, and celebrated with me when I hit my goal weight - each time. That's why I should have listened to him when he spoke up. But if you have learned anything about me by reading this blog, you know that wasn't going to happen.

No, in the name of science, I have pressed on. I started out tracking my weight, but it got too depressing. Then the battery in my scale died, which was a blessing. I casually mentioned it to my trainer one morning. In my mind it was more like a full-body tackle while I screamed, "how could you let me do this???" In reality, I told him, "I've gained half a pound a day for the past week." Silence.

I'm not bitter. No, I'm putting it in perspective - I'm still in good shape, and what's a few weeks? No sweat. I've faced worse than this. I can handle this. I can turn this around.

Okay, I am bitter. I feel like each day I continue down this path, I take another step away from my goal, create more work for myself, and become more of a failure in something that is important to me. And I have to do it for one more week.

Next week, I will weigh, take my body fat, and know the truth - good or bad. Did I gain, or is it all in my head? Did I lose fat, and if so, did I lose more than I was when I was writing the playbook? Or did I move myself further away from my goal and prove my husband right?

I don't know, but I do know this - I am over-thinking things.

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