ANYHOO, today's horoscope was particularly revealing. Allow me to quote (I am a Cancer):
"Corruption begins with a small lie, usually to oneself. When you begin to justify something you that you know deep down is not right, that is a sign that you are on a crooked path. Right now you are not the instigator of the corruption but may be the victim of it. Someone who preaches one set of rules but lives by another is currently disrupting your life. This person doesn't go by what's right, but by whether he can appear to be right, and consequently he fools many people. You, though, are not fooled. Find peace in knowing that what goes around comes around."
I know who the culprit is - my inner voice. You know the one....the one that tells you one glass of wine will be okay. The same one who forgives little nutritional indiscretions and rubs your back and nuzzles your neck when you promise to be better tomorrow, purring that it's okay, there is always a fresh start. But it laughs because it knows the truth. That crooked path has very few u-turns.
Personally, I blame my husband for waking her and getting her all dressed up and perfumey. He took me on a date last month. We went out for dinner, and apparently had a third wheel tagging along. She convinced me to have a glass of wine, which made it pretty easy to also have a frappuccino. Then she abandonded me and ever since, I have been playing solo defense on a muddy field, fending off more and more opportunities to engage in the kind of "moderation" that results in me being, well, where I am now. At the end of one month of wavering around, accepting less than satisfactory work and feeling the physical manifestation of my choices. As in, I feel like crap and am pretty cranky, too.
I don't do moderation. I've tried, and I hate it. It's just not my scene! We've already established that I need to lighten up but it is not going to happen so please just work with me here.
That being said, I can look back at the last month and make some not-crazy assessments:
- I've taken a break from heavy workouts and control-freak nutrition, and that is not necessarily a bad thing. We all need a break whether we want one or not.
- Now that the Ultimate Fitness Challenge is over, which has been my focus for the past few months, I don't have an immediate goal to work on except the triathlon in April, which seems too far away to need to start training now.
- The combination of number 1 and number 2 equals one cranky me.
So, today I don't have anything super-motivational or enlightening to say, just kind of stating the facts of my current state. I need some jumper cables. I need to start triathlon training now, which seems pointless since the next few weeks are going to be dominated by work meetings and holiday travel. Maybe my goal should just be making it back to the start of that crooked path by the end of December so I can start January on the straight and narrow. I'm sure I can throw in some kind of wacky benchmark to make that goal seem not as lame as it does now.
My husband and I have another date this weekend. I hope he doesn't mind if we leave the third wheel at home.