I want it! Gimmee!

I want it sooooooooo bad. It is within my reach and I can almost get it but not....quite....yet. But I can see it. It's there. I am on the way.

ugh! But I want it now!

I have to say that I am totally stoked about where I am in my training right now. Not only am I happy with the progress I am making (specifically in the triceps and hamstrings department) but I am also getting such great feedback on the progress of my "clients" (people I boss around regarding their nutrition and exercise plans). They're doing awesome and it just energizes me to see their hard work pay off and hear them talk about their success.

I'm also entering a phase of just being more driven and focused than I have been in a while, which is a good thing considering that the holidays are coming up. This is a tricky time of year for anyone who is dedicated to healthy lifestyles, because of all the yummy goodies around and the societal pressure to over-indulge. It is the most important time to remember that food is not a treat, and not be tricked into thinking that you are "treating" yourself by eating Christmas goodies. They're yummy but they're not a treat. They're just food.

But this time of year is also tricky because of my wacky travel and workout schedules. It's the time when everyone schedules wrap-up year-end meetings, usually at lunch, so my lunchtime workouts get scrambled up. Then, I travel for Thanksgiving and Christmas and have to sell my soul to get guest passes at my sister's gym. And inevitably, I get sick and miss a few days. It's a real challenge to make it to January without feeling like I need to detox.

But this year, I am having a hard time seeing those things as obstacles. I am so close to my goal, and having such a great time getting to it, that I don't need or want a break from my regular routine. I know people won't understand when I pass up their holiday goodies or get up early to exercise on a holiday, but I just don't want to lose this momentum. And, I'm kinda used to people not understanding me anyway so that's no biggie.

I guess what it comes down to right now is remembering that there is life after the holidays. Specifically, there is January - a flood light of realization that those cookies and candy canes and second helpings of egg nog didn't leave once your Christmas guests packed their bags and headed for home. I'd like to skip that part and enter January a few steps ahead.

So, it's time to amp up the cardio and really lift heavy to maximize the gym time I do have this month so I can enjoy the holidays with my family and friends without taking a hit to the belt in exchange. I can't guarantee I won't eat a cookie or two, after all, I am human. But I am also going to spend the holidays increasing my running stride, improving my push-up, and keeping one eye focused on January. What's the point of busting your ass all year just to let it go in one month?

So, we're off! Race ya!

Ramblings Somewhat Related to Something Substantive

Well, there's good news and there's bad news.

The good news is that I've set a date. The bad news is that it's really far away! And, brace yourself, I am not exactly known for my patience.

July 2009 is the next available contest, so that's when I'll belly up to the bar and see what I'm made of. I suspect it will be a combination of guts and glory, and hopefully a little moxie. I sincerely hope we don't find out that I am made of anything consisting of a gooey center.

I'm a little bummed that I won't accomplish this in 2008. I like nice, neat, tidy goals that get accomplished and checked off within the course of a year so I can tear away the calendar page on December 31 with a flourish and lick the end of my pencil to chart the next year's new projects (watch for triathlons in 2009). But this particular goal has taken on a life of its own, so it shouldn't be a surprise that I've lost control of it a little bit. I'll choose to see it as a metaphor for the whole "fitness is a journey, not a destination" mantra. And in my case, I've taken the scenic route and stopped in the gift shop a few times.

So while I am slightly annoyed, I'm also glad to have a deadline, even if it is 8 months away. It gives me a lot more time to work on my strength, skills, speed, and agility, which I need. It gives me more time to obsess over my body, which I probably don't need. But, it also gives me something I need more than anything else- a reminder that I can be flexible, accommodating, and - dare I say it? - spontaneous in the way that I approach this goal. So it doesn't happen in 2008. No biggie. I can deal.

Because, to be honest, I am glad that I have 8 more months of training ahead of me. I am not ready for this journey to end.

Okay, so we all know that I will never really be spontaneous. But, my workouts lately have required some spontaneity as they more resemble a game of 5th-grade dodge ball than your run-of-the-mill cardio-and-weights routine. It's different from anything I have ever done, and while sometimes I truly question the sanity of my trainer, I am having a great time. I'm challenged, I'm sore, and most importantly, I am progressing in my overall goal of total fitness. Who would want that to end?

So today's blog is really just a collection of rambling thoughts...and that's kind of how this goal process has been for me. I've rambled through ups and downs, two trainers, a couple of injuries, a few set-backs, and two pairs of weight lifting gloves. And for the first time in my life, I'm cool with not racing to the finish line. I've found my stride, and I want to be in it for a while.

But that doesn't mean I'm taking it easy. Did I mention I've set a date? Let's quit yakking and get to the gym.

Sideshow Spectacular

I am starting to think that maybe Capt. Awesome is just messing with me.

In the past month, our workouts have gone from challenging to just plain crazy. Not that I'm complaining - I am loving the results and am making great progress. But every once in a while I think that he's fulfilling some kind of wacky dare to see what he can make me do next.

"Okay, we're going to do squats on the BOSU ball but you have to balance this tea set on your head and sing 'Yankee Doodle Dandy'."

"Strap on these ankle weights, hold this medicine ball over your head, and jump over this bench while I let a starved lion try to bite your ankles."

"I want to see how many push-ups you can do in a minute. Wait - first I need to stack these monster truck tires on your back. Okay, go."

But I'm totally doing it. Part of it is pride - I just can't give up even when I want to. But part of it is because it's just plain fun. I love trying this wacky stuff and seeing how I measure up. I'm not doing all that well to be honest - most of the time my lack of athleticism becomes apparent very quickly. But I am giving it a good shot and trying to get better. Although I have to admit, I am getting pretty good at jumping rope with one arm tied behind my back.

The results speak for themselves. After a month, I am down another couple percentage points in my body fat, getting and feeling stronger, and definitely becoming more agile. I think it is feasible to be at my goal in a few months, and that is very exciting.

But the most exciting part is that I feel like I am actively working towards my Monster Goal - reaching my MGP. Yeah, it's the kind of goal that I'll always have. I don't expect to wake up one day and say, "well, here I am. I can stop now." But it is so much fun to take a few more steps each day towards being the best possible version of my physical self. I just can't find the words to explain how much I love that concept. And, seeing the small changes in my quadriceps make the 4:15 AM wake-up call worth it.

But while that's all well and good, one thing does loom in my head - the obstacle course. It's going to happen. I've set a date (finally) and have some time to work on my skills. And although jumping around like a crazy woman, running through hoops of fire, and juggling puppies while doing walking lunges is fun, I kinda need a master plan.

So, Awesome can bring the crazy, but I've got a challenge of my own for him: we're going to draw ourselves a little map from here to there. It can include starving lions and monster truck tires, but it has to get us there on time and in fighting form.

I'll be honest - my main motivation in creating a fail-proof plan is to reduce the level of public humiliation I am about to face. There is the very real chance for that at this shin-dig, and while I enjoy making my friends laugh, I'd rather they be laughing with me when I am lying on the ground in a puddle of shame. So when I tackle that rope wall or run madly towards hurdles, I want to do it with the belief that I did everything within my power to prepare, and any failure that occurs is just the wrath of a vengeful God, still ticked at me for something I've long forgotten.

But I've started going to confession just to cover my bases.

Out of the Closet

Wow, today was hard.

Monday runs are usually full of energy after two days off, so that was okay. But it was legs day, and after box jumps while wearing ankle weights and holding a 10-lb medicine ball, then 135-lb BOSU ball squats at the mercy of Awesome who refused to count reps that didn't break the plane (I did number 8 about four times...), then about a kazillion walking lunges and then 250 lbs on the leg press....I am beat. But I like knowing that I can squat more than my body weight. Okay, so only half a pound more, but still more. :)

My training is going well. Nutrition is great these days - it feels so good to eat clean, healthy, purposeful foods. Workouts are fantastic - Captain Awesome is getting tough and I am working harder than ever. I'm seeing the results and I feel great. And even more importantly, I am having a blast. It is so much fun to push myself to new limits and be rewarded for that effort. I am finally getting to a point in my life where regardless of how the numbers come out when I step on the scale or test my body composition, I know that the way I am living is the way I want to be forever.

And, I am glad to be "out". It catches me off-guard sometimes when people who have known me a long time are suprised by this endeavor. It's been a goal of mine for as long as I can remember, but I forget that I didn't start talking about it until relatively recently.

So this weekend when my mom commented that she was suprised I was so into this hobby, I was reminded that while this has always been on my mind, it is relatively new to everyone else I know. I was never athletic as a kid and shunned sports in favor of writing, theatre, music, and reaching new levels of brooding sarcasm. So to hear me talk about jumping hurdles and climbing rope walls is a little out of context for the rest of my family. I think they half expected me to teach history in a college somewhere and write scathing letters to the editor of the local paper pointing out grammatical errors for the rest of my life.

And that would also be fun. But no, I want to be a bodybuilder.

And the only explanation I can come up with is that this goal is hard, and the things people are used to me doing are easy. I write every day and love it, but it is more of a therapeutic puzzle than a challenge. Music and theatre were fun, but I didn't feel driven to become really good at them. As for brooding sarcasm and snark, well, I'll never be able to give those up.

But weightlifting is hard. Training is hard. Pushing myself to new physical limits is hard. Doing things that are difficult make me feel more alive, and that's how I feel when I work out. When I leave the gym and haven't completely exhausted myself, I am frustrated and disappointed. If I don't doubt my ability to drive home from the gym, I'm probably going to have a mediocre day.

There is a certain level of apprehension about being this open about my goal, the most obvious being that if I fail, more people know about it. But it also feels good to be "out". So... hi. I'm Heather, and I might not be what you expected.

Snooze

I didn't work out today.

Partly because Captain Awesome was sick. Partly because I am sick. And partly because I was having a temper tantrum about not being able to run alone down an empty street in the pitch dark. I wanted to, I really, really, really, wanted to, and I almost did anyway. But, last Thursday two of my gym buddies cornered me after my run and demanded an explanation as to where I had been. I told them I added an extra mile, what's the big deal? They said they were worried about me and to not do that again and that a woman had been sexually assaulted on a street near my running route a couple of evenings before.

Damn it.

I love running outside, especially early in the morning when it is cold. And this time of year, when the mornings are especially crisp and I can see my breath, well, that's just like Christmas morning. But I'm already freaked out being out there alone; having the very real threat of an actual attacker was just too much. So Friday morning I came inside and got on the elliptical. It pretty much sucked.

And this morning, I stomped my feet and crossed my arms and pouted and furrowed my brow and decided fine, I'm going home. That pretty much sucked, too.

The drive home was the kind of internal dialogue that will get me written up in a textbook somewhere:

Sane me: "Go home. You're sick. You need to rest."

Psycho me: "I don't want to miss a workout. I'll fall behind."

Sane me: "You're being ridiculous. Everyone needs a break now and then. Go sleep."

Psycho me: "Successful people make a habit of doing things that unsuccessful people don't want to do. I need to suck it up and power through. I just had two days of break."

Sane me: "Look, Awesome isn't even here. Just go home. This is retarded."

Psycho me: "I'm going to regret this later."

I did go home. And I do regret it. When people talk to me about finding the motivation to workout even when they don't want to, I share that I have never regretted working out, but I have always regretted skipping it. Granted, I can't help being sick, but in my mind a failure is still a failure regardless of having a perfectly good excuse.

And, I didn't want to run on the treadmill.

It annoys me that I skipped the gym this morning because I have been having such great momentum over the past few weeks. And, I know that reaching my goal is going to take the kind of perseverance and strength that doesn't wimp out because of a few sniffles. I feel like a slacker today, and that's not cool.

So, no funny stories or sarcastic witticisms for you today; just a healthy dose of martyrdom and a reminder that we all hit the snooze button once in a while.

But luckily, the snooze on my alarm clock only lasts eight minutes.

It's Good to Have a Goal

Last week, Captain Awesome and I started working on training the specific muscle groups and agility exercises I am going to need to not make a complete fool of myself at my competition. We've been doing a lot of leg work, working on lateral agility, and going back to basic things like jumping, balance, and core work. I kind of feel like I am back in phys ed class, only this time I don't have to create elaborate excuses for why I can't play volleyball, which is a nice change.

With this change of pace comes new realizations. For example, realizing just how uncoordinated and clumsy I am. I've always known I am a klutz (I walk into walls in my own house and have a permanent bruise on my leg from where I ram into the side of my office desk at least three times a week) but until I tried split-leg jumping squats, bent-knee walking lunges, or box jumps, I had been able to convince myself that my lack of grace was just me being distracted and moving too fast to keep up with myself. I now know that it is part of my DNA. I felt like a walking advertisement for America's Funniest Home Videos. Seriously, if someone had video-taped me last Friday trying to jump on and off of a 24-inch box without breaking my neck, they would have won the $10,000 grand prize. By even attempting to stay upright for an entire day, I am providing a valuable community service in the form of comic relief.

But anyway. When I completed ten feeble attempts at box jumps and Capt. Awesome said, "okay, you'll have to be a lot faster than that," I felt a glimmer of disappointment mixed with excitement. A project! We worked on the mechanics of jumping in general - focusing on balance, posture, and alignment - and I began putting together a plan to get better. A goal! I practically licked my lips in anticipation of that sweet victory.

I was disappointed in my skill level; I am not athletic but I expected more. But, I was almost glad that I had missed the mark. It feels good to have a goal to work towards.

That was Friday. Over the weekend, I visualized myself jumping on the boxes and coiling myself like a spring to maximize impact while minimizing the effort. And this morning, as I drove to the gym and listened to "Health Check" on the BBC, I wondered if everyone had a renewed sense of vigor once spotting a goal in the making, or if it was just me being an over-achiever as usual. Strangely, I got my answer in the form of a study on the effects of music on overall health.

I learned that a research group at Boston College School of Music had measured the impact of regular, sustained, intense involvement in mastering a skill (in this case, participating in a singing group) on mental health, physical health, and a social involvement for two groups - one who participated in the program and a control group that did not. They found that the group who participated in the singing group for at least two years had scored higher in every category than those in the control group. (Listen to the entire segment here.)

The researcher went on to say that people who work towards mastery of a goal and have a feeling of control over that goal also experienced an immune system boost. Now, I am no stranger to control issues. But this made me feel better about them. I might not be better at jumping on a box today, but the fact that I am working to become better will make me healthier in the long run. Even if I fall on my face on that obstacle course (which is very likely to happen regardless of my overall performance), I will be better off just for having tried.

So there you have it: control freaks rule, slackers drool. Set a goal today - it's what healthy people do!

Table for One

I think my husband is a little tired of me singing the praises of Captain Awesome. but I am just digging this new trainer. He's creative, he's enthusiastic, he's involved, and most importantly, he remembers the goals of each person in my group and caters to them in each workout. I gotta hand it to him - he's won me over.

We're doing all sorts of new stuff, mostly related to the Bosu Ball. He loves this thing so much that he brought his own from his old gym in case we didn't have one (we did). We're doing lunges on the bosu ball, squats on the bosu ball, push-ups on the bosu ball....I'm half expecting him to tell me to bring the bosu ball home and use it as a pillow. But I don't mind. This new shake-up is just what I needed. I still miss my old trainer, but Captain Awesome is, well, pretty awesome.

Which means I need to watch out. As I've probably mentioned before, I like to operate in the realm of independence. I'm usually suspicious of people who want to "help" me, and I often find myself offended that anyone thought I needed help in the first place. In my experience, relying on other people is a recipe for disappointment and resentment. It might be a negative perspective, but I'd rather know that my relationships are built on a mutual enjoyment of each other's company, and not a give-and-take where one of us is always in debt. When you remove reliance on others, you also remove the potential to use them as excuses, and as a result can focus on truly enjoying them as the people they are. It's just my opinion; you can think I'm crazy if you want to.

So anyway, while my workouts with Captain Awesome have been going well, I have also been reminding myself that I'm still at a table for one. I had a great result in my body-fat test last month, and knew that it was from my own hard work. And when I test again in a couple of weeks, the result - good or bad - will again be because of my own actions and decisions. He can make me do barbell squats on the bosu ball every day, but I am the one who breaks the plane.

So where does that leave Captain Awesome? Well, I guess I'm having a hard time admitting that I kinda need him. I might be stubborn and independent, but I don't know everything. If I could truly do this on my own, I would have done it a long time ago.

That being said, I've committed myself to setting a date for my competition this week. I have procrastinated, hemmed and hawed, and generally avoided eye contact with the issue for long enough, probably because I don't want to admit that I need a spotter on this one. For years I have wanted to get to the finish line and know what I don't owe anyone anything for it, but I don't know if that is a realistic perspective. While there is a lot of pride in knowing what you can accomplish on your own, sometimes....sometimes........sometimes we all need a little help. There. I said it. We don't need to talk about it again.

I'm not giving up the map, but Captain Awesome can hold the wheel for a while.